Two Ears, One Mouth: My Mother's Advice Was Right

Why hearing isn’t enough—and how real listening builds allyship, deepens empathy, and strengthens inclusive leadership.

We’re often taught to listen so we can respond—or convince. But what if the real work of inclusive leadership starts with listening to understand?

“You have two ears and one mouth—use them in proportion.”

That was my mother’s advice growing up—and over time, I’ve come to realise just how right she was. The more I lead, the more I see how profound those words truly are because listening is one of the most undervalued—yet powerful—skills in inclusive leadership.

We’ve been conditioned to listen for one of two reasons:
🗣️ To reply, or
🎯 To convince.

But inclusive leadership demands something else:
✨ Listening not to win, but to understand.

And not to secure agreement, either. When your goal is to change someone’s mind, you do not hear their truth, and you do not listen. You’re performing. That hidden agenda can be felt. It makes others defensive. It shuts down trust.

Real listening starts with humility and a willingness to be changed, not just to change someone else.

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Listening Is a Bridge to the Messy Middle

We live in a world full of polarised perspectives. The messy middle is the space where understanding grows, and isn’t found through debate. It’s reached through dialogue, and dialogue can’t happen without deep, non-defensive listening.

Inclusion doesn’t require agreement.
It requires presence.
It requires listening without preparing your rebuttal.
It requires staying in the discomfort long enough to learn something new.

Anyone who’s seen me speak knows how much I love the Q&A. That’s where connection happens. When someone asks a question—especially in a large room without mics—I restate it aloud. Not just so others can hear, but so I can be sure I’ve understood it correctly. I don’t want to assume what they meant. I want to honour what they asked.

What many don’t know is that in large group settings, I wear hearing aids. I don’t always need them in one-to-one conversations or virtual spaces. But in noisy rooms, I rely on them.

When I don’t have them, I often find myself lip-reading, picking up tone and expression, and trying to interpret the parts I missed. It’s exhausting, and it’s taught me how easy it is to feel left out of communication, even when you’re present.

That lived experience informs how I show up for others. I pay attention to how I speak, where my voice carries, and whether I’ve created space for understanding—not just volume. That’s what inclusive communication looks like. It’s not always loud, but it is intentional.

Allyship Begins with Listening

Allyship isn’t a label. It’s a relationship. And like all relationships, it starts with awareness, humility, and trust.

But when we act without examining our power or privilege, we risk doing harm, no matter how good our intentions may be. Performative allyship shows up when people haven’t done that self-reflection. And it becomes obvious in their behaviour, their language, and the way they centre themselves over the people they claim to support.

When I teach allyship, I share this:

Don’t stand in front of me. You might take my voice.
Don’t stand behind me. You’re just waiting for me to fall so you can be the hero.
Stand beside me. Shoulder to shoulder.

That way, I can ask for your support when I need it. You uplift me, not override me. We work together, not in hierarchy.

Listening doesn’t make you a hero.
But it does make you trustworthy.

And trust, along with consistency and accountability, is one of the three pillars of real allyship.
When those three are in place, your support feels real. When they’re missing, your silence, assumptions, and even enthusiasm can cause harm.

Simple Tools to Listen Better

Listening isn’t passive. It’s intentional. Here are five techniques I’ve used personally and professionally to deepen my listening practice:

🗣️ “What I’m hearing is…”

Helps clarify intent and ensures mutual understanding. It also shows the speaker they’ve been truly heard.

🤔 Embrace the Pause

Don’t rush to respond. Let silence do its job. It’s often where the most thoughtful responses are born.

🙇‍♀️ Use Your Body to Show Engagement

Nodding, eye contact, posture—these all signal you’re present and taking in what’s said, not just waiting your turn.

🌬 Breathe Before You Speak

I use this both on stage and in conversation. Three deep breaths can regulate your nervous system and reset your mind.

🎤 Reset with an Um

A simple um helps align your voice and your thoughts. It buys a few seconds of space to prepare a more grounded response—and subtly shifts how your words are received.

Listening Is a Leadership Skill—Not a Soft One

Listening is often treated as a soft skill. But it’s one of the most courageous things a leader can do.

To truly listen is to:

• Step back from certainty

• Sit with complexity

• And make space for other voices to be heard alongside your own

And in doing so, you begin to build something far more powerful than agreement.
You build trust.

So the next time you’re in a challenging conversation, take a breath.
Pause.
And ask yourself—not “What should I say?” but “What am I being asked to hear?”

That’s where inclusive leadership begins.

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